3. Everything fits in its right place in time

Tonight, y' know, I made some bad dreams.

I was looking for a bad gift they -- my sister, my cousin -- had made to me. I was looking anywhere for it, but I couldn't find it. 

Then I found out it in my old bedroom of my mother's house. It was an ugly doll, hairless, which resembled the doll from some horror movie like "Annabelle".

I made it into pieces with a hammer.

Then I was forced to exit the room for my mother was calling me.

When I came back, the doll wasn't there anymore. I can remember some minutes ago I was taking it apart discovering an electrical panel inside of it. So I was thinking of freeing myself from it in the dump.

I begun searching for each part. I found two legs and the head separated by its body hidden under the table of the room.

I gathered every piece I found into a big bag. I was going to get rid of it as soon as possible.

In the second dream there was my 2nd grade cousin and her mother. Her sister. Some others of my family. They were sitting in some chairs against the wall on an open space looking out into the sea. I was in another basement on their left. They noticed me. Asked me something I don't remember. Everything was shining of light blue into the light of the day.

My cousin (female) was crying desperately in the living room of my old dead aunt. My mother's gardener, a rough man, came close to her. "Can I tell *my mother's name* I finished my work?", he said. My cousin cried even louder. He stayed silent. My beautiful cousin rised up her glance on him. He stopped, in shock. "Your blue eyes are so beautiful, lady", he said to her. She stopped crying. Somehow I had the impression a friendship was about to be born.

All these dreams have not a point at all. 

But when I awakened, I knew he was gone together with you.

There I begun to think about my life.

Maybe it was time to leave the past behind and coming back to life. Listening to music I drank more than 2 lt of fresh water to free myself to all the scum in my cells. I didn't eat anything yet. It is half past three PM here in Italy.

Somehow I feel I have the power to reborn.

2. Dreams to remember

Maybe I am going to die soon.

Everything turned so cold that I can't stand it.

I scream into the void, pathetic and alone.

Nobody can hear me.

Nobody, no God can save me.

One of these days I'll try to kill myself again. 

That time it will be the last time. 

I made my projects yet. My irritated husband put me some pills into the little box of the meds, every day. Just ten pills (or something). In the lass of time of a month they'll be three hundred or more. 

It'll be the last time -- I promise.

So, since I am going to die, I have got nothing to lose, I write to you.

I always thought you were funny and that your eyes were good.

I might be wrong. Who cares? Let them laugh. I'm leaving soon.

I have been nothing for anybody in the world.

In my most reckless dreams, I dreamed we could share a whole world. A world utterly ours.

I have got "dreams to remember"... with you.

1. Grey Cold

The afternoon I'm living declines in a soft grey. Grey is the color of you. I painted two canvas in grey and black. I wanted to realize a bucolic landscape and some dunes of sand in the desert of Sahra under the glance of a shining moon. I made a mess of both of them. Too many labels of color. 

I kept on passing and passing the color again on the space of painting so that I ruined my project. Sometimes I think these ugly paintings are just the reflection of my ill mind, and / or my ill heart. 

Have you ever been here before?

If so, did you leave?

Where are you? In the wind I lost you. Or were you only living inside my head? Were you a fantasy of mine? Should I forget you? Forget my dreams? Facing my cold reality? The cold facts?